Recently, there has been a surge of writing and thinking devoted to a topic that is easing its way into the mainstream- ethical polyamory. Texts such as The Ethical Slut and More Than Two aim to present possibilities and strategies for couples and individuals who are considering non-monogamy. Written pieces on contemporary polyamory have found their way into the world of mainstream news, being featured on CNN, Vice, and The Atlantic. As of July, 2020, Somerville, Massachusetts even began legally recognizing polyamorous people entering domestic partnerships.

    Proponents for polyamory largely argue that there is a wealth of happiness and fulfillment to be found outside of the limits of monogamy. Moreover, many argue that monogamy is a relatively recent social construct and, by no means, the necessary default of human romantic relationships. Some suggest that by openly exploring unpleasant feelings with one's partner, such as jealousy or insecurity, couples can form even stronger bonds after opening their relationship to others.

    While these possible benefits may certainly appear appealing, polyamorous people have gained a notable reputation as seeming 'holier-than-thou' and pretentious; a viral YouTube video titled "Polyamorous" circulated in 2017, poking fun at newly polyamorous couples, who appear obnoxious and giddy about their titillating newfound identity. The rhetoric surrounding polyamory can carry an air of moral and emotional superiority- overcoming jealousy is often regarded as an ethical milestone in polyamory. In MEL Magazine, Miles Klee details tweets from some self-flagellating polyamorous people, such as "When polyamory becomes more mainstream, I wonder what the n-word will be for us?" Other than being nauseatingly tone-deaf to civil rights struggles, such thoughts around feigned oppression and supposed emotional valour thread their way through polyamorous discourse. Polyamory, as one man asserted to CNN, is "not for sissies." Polyamory has become portrayed as an inherently healthy relationship style, suited for the emotionally strong.

     In my own experience, both monogamy and polyamory have each led to their own sets of successes and failures. While my experiences of monogamy have, in some instances, led to social isolation and controlling behaviour from partners, polyamory has carried its own laundry list of problems, such as deception, manipulation, and poor sexual health practices.

     While some polyamorous circles may be reluctant to address the toxic behaviours that can accompany the relationship style, it is important that anyone considering polyamory approach it well-equipped to enjoy its benefits and be wary of its ills. As in any relationship, there are red flags and green flags, and these are some you can keep an eye out for while engaging in a polyamorous relationship:

• Power disparities within the 'polycule' are not openly recognized or if cis white men are at the relational center of a 'polycule.' Unspoken power disparities related to gender, race, class, or ability can lead to toxic behaviour in any relationship, polyamorous or otherwise. However, in a 'polycule' (a group of extended polyamorous relationships), power disparities can become alienating for marginalized individuals. Consider how to best address power disparities in your relationships and consider leaving if they are not or can't be openly discussed. In healthy relationships power disparities are challenged rather than reinforced. While it can be difficult and awkward to point directly to power disparities in any relationship, it's crucial to acknowledge differences in power and work with those in your social circle to subvert oppressive behaviours.

• Your partner conflates your boundaries with those of their other partners. Whether someone is your partner or you are in a casual relationship, your wants, needs, and boundaries are not identical to whomever else they are seeing, and should never be treated as such. If you've become involved with someone who acts in ways you have problems with and attempts to assuage you by saying that their "other partner(s) are okay with it," it may be time to re-consider the relationship.

• Your partner has expectations of how you pursue new relationships that they would never accept for themselves. I once experienced a partner who, after months of his own poorly managed partnerships, declared to me, "I was there first," when I chose to begin a new relationship. While it's normal to feel jealousy, if your partner holds you to expectations that they fail to meet themselves, it could be a sign of emotional abuse.

• Your polycule is non-communicative. While different polyamorous people may have different needs, and some may not need or want any communication with the extended relationships of their partner(s), if one partner requests more open communication, this request should be noted, heard, and taken seriously by others in the dynamic.

• You feel unable to voice concerns or be critical of your partner or those in your polycule. If you are uncomfortable with any aspect of your polyamorous dynamic, a healthy polycule should be willing to hear and address your worries. If your partner or members of your polycule are unwilling to talk openly about your concerns, it could be a sign that your comfort may not be honoured by these people and it could be wise to step away. A green flag could be your partner or polycule encouraging voicing discomfort or concerns. Like any relationship, it's important that open communication be encouraged. Especially because polyamorous relationships involve more voices and more concerns, it's particularly necessary to create safe and non-judgmental communication in these relationships-- especially if any partners feel that they are being mistreated.

• There are hostile or manipulative metamours involved in the dynamic. Metamours are those your partner(s) are seeing or involved with. If you choose to interact with or get to know the metamours in your polycule, it's important that you feel comfortable in those interactions. If you feel that metamours are hostile or unkind to you, it may help to engage with your partner about this or take space away from the metamour(s).

• Your partner becomes negligent or harmful toward you when they begin new relationships. New relationship energy (or NRE, as its often referred to in polyamorous circles) can be distracting and overwhelming for anyone. However, if your partner begins to ignore your boundaries or mistreat you after beginning a new relationship, it could be a sign that that partner has unhealthy or abusive polyamorous practices.

• Your partner uses polyamory to feel or appear 'edgy.' Especially if you are involved with someone who lives with a great deal of privilege and power while moving through the world, it's important to be careful of your partner's motives in pursuing polyamory. For some, polyamory acts as means of seemingly distancing themselves from privilege or appearing 'less vanilla,' rather than pursuing healthy relationships. If your partner begins to frame polyamory as akin to being oppressed or seems more invested in the 'appearance' of multiple relationships than the health of these relationships, it may be time to address this behaviour with your partner.

• Your partner uses polyamory to mask personal or psychological problems. While some pursue polyamory for healthy reasons, others may engage in polyamory for unhealthy reasons such as sex addiction, problems with novelty-seeking, or problems with risk-taking behaviour.

• Your partner lies to you about the rules and boundaries their other partners have set, or lies about your rules and boundaries to others. A common myth is that cheating isn't possible in polyamory. However, it is normal and healthy to have boundaries in any relationship and in polyamory, just as in a monogamous relationship, these are sometimes ignored. If you learn that your partner isn't providing you with informed consent regarding the boundaries of others or is being deceitful about your boundaries to others, it may be time re-consider the relationship. In healthy polyamory, members of your polycule are completely aware of one another's boundaries and rules, and these are respected. Being actively aware of metamours needs and having your needs accurately communicated to metamours is a central aspect of healthy polyamory. You could challenge yourself to see if you can vocalize what your metamours' boundaries are and if you believe that they could describe yours.

• Your partner doesn't prioritize safe sex. Particularly in relationships that involve sexual contact with multiple people, safe sex practices and getting tested regularly are imperative. Seek out partners and members of a polycule who talk openly about sexual health, protection methods, and get tested regularly for STIs. If the people you practice polyamory with take both their own and your health seriously, this is a strong sign that your well-being is being considered by these people.

• Use of polyamory as the sole means of addressing extra-relationship attraction. It's completely normal to feel attraction outside of a relationship, whether it be polyamorous or monogamous. Acknowledging this in your relationship does not mean that you or your partner are 'obligated' to open your relationship.

• Demonizing jealousy or other unpleasant feelings. Any number of feelings may arise in a ployamorous relationship. You may feel compersion (happiness when a partner finds joy in a new relationship) or discomfort. However, if your partner or members of your polycule suggest repression of unpleasant feelings, suggest what you 'should' feel, or are dismissive of your unpleasant feelings, it may be a sign that these people don't value your comfort.

• Your partner or members of your polycule use 'family-related' language. While the concept of 'chosen family' is prevalent in many queer circles, especially in groups who have been alienated from their biological families, it is important to be careful of the intimacy dynamics at play. Identifying people in strongly unifying terms like 'family' can create in-group/out-group behaviour and unhealthy loyalty dynamics. In a healthy polyamorous group, your partner or members of your polycule act respectfully should you express that you want to leave the relationship or polycule dynamic. You are not obligated to stay in any situation that makes you uncomfortable or in which you feel that your boundaries are ignored. A healthy polyamorous circle allows you to leave at any time without scorn or harassment.

• Polyamory is treated as mandatory or 'politically good' by your partner or polycule. Some polyamorous people feel that there is a political correlation between practicing polyamory and practicing anti-oppression; by forming relationships without pursuing a nuclear family or hierarchal relationships, some feel that polyamory is a stronger move away from heteronormativity than monogamy. However, how a person chooses to form their relationships is deeply personal. If your partner or polycule seem to lionize polyamorous relationships over monogamous relationships, it may indicate that they are over-invested in political capital and less invested in the health of relationships.

• Avoid polyamorous circles who minimize sexual assault or the importance of sexual consent. It is possible to encounter polyamorous groups who discredit sexual assault survivors and aim to maintain group cohesion by minimizing instances of assault. Involve yourself with polyamorous people who wholly value ongoing enthusiastic consent. In healthy polyamory, as in healthy monogamy, enthusiastic consent should be centred. If your partner uses being polyamorous as an excuse to violate anyone's consent, that is exploitation. If your partner or polycule regularly check in about your needs and boundaries, this is a sign of a healthy dynamic.

     Ultimately, in any relationship style, toxic behaviours can arise, but navigating the realm of a new relationship structure often means having to take off rose-coloured glasses sooner rather than later.  Approaching a relationship structure that is only recently coming into mainstream dialogue can feel unnerving or unsteady, or exciting and thrilling. Fulfillment and happiness can be found in healthy polyamory and in healthy monogamy, but the structure of relationships isn't the point-- happiness is.